Arsenal FC – the Remedy

Friends of Arsenal-Mania know me for three reasons:

1) I am old. I remember George Graham as a slow, steady centre-forward, who hated to exert any effort. He ambled about the penalty area, and shouted abuse to Geordie for putting over any crosses that required him to move. I swear he played some matches with a hip-flask full of Scotch and 20 Rothmans. Don Howe asked him to play midfield in 1969 because he thought his lack of work ethic would do less damage in the area under the high ball. My memories of Arsenal are of 58,000 people stood, watching crap football, in crap conditions and loving it.

2) I am wise: I use my 40 years AFC supporting experience to exhort my younger Arsenal colleagues to greater feats of appreciation or faith. If Arsenal are 0-1 with 80 minutes on the clock, I blindly type “keep the faith” to my despairing forum colleagues. Mostly, I am rewarded by a couple of late goals and an Arsenal victory. This cry has become a superstition for me. So much so, that I have gained 15 points for Arsenal in the last season and a half, purely by typing those three words. I half expect a contract offer to arrive from Arsène, beseeching me to join his backroom staff.

Last season, my exhortations were of the “appreciate the good times” variety. As various colleagues got more carried away by our success, and by fawning British Tabloid hyperbole, I urged fans to drink in the heady success, and love every last tang on their taste buds. Success is temporary, and needs to be appreciated, banked and logged. It can then be brought out of cryogenic refrigeration to see you through the John Hawley / Ray Hankin (*) years.

3) I play Championship Manager. I have done since the first game came out. Hell, I am a Senior Company Director, but have put hours into this simulation game. I have replaced my home PC six times since 1997. My kids have no shoes, and receive tangerines and walnuts from Santa, but Daddy has to have a new PC every 18 moths to get the best out of whatever CM format is released. My home PC runs Word, IE, Excel and Outlook. I could make do with a 1998 Tandy 128m Memory, 1gb HDD, PC if it played the latest CM franchise game.

My point?

Arsenal is like a team I managed in those early Championship Manager times.

You could cheat all you liked:

Become simultaneously the manager of Arsenal, Liverpool, Juventus and Real Madrid and make Arsenal sign “rejects” Zidane, Gerrard, Owen, and Thuram for a job-lot of £100k, manage all opposition teams so that you “throw matches.”

BUT … eventually, no matter how good you made your team, (and I managed some truly world-beating Arsenal teams!), the code was devised within the game so that you would be found out. Your tactics, no matter how revolutionary, were broken by your competitors. Your success was absolute, your victories were total, but eventually your advantages were whittled away by the unsubtle code within the game. You had to change something. You had to exert a change, however subtle, to re-invigorate your side. Let things drift, and you got “found out”.

Does this sound familiar?

That early Championship Manager game is Arsenal now.

Teams have decided to play 4-5-1, to hassle, to chase and to kick. Our Captain has become distracted. His unloved, unfashionable partners (the Brazilian pairing of Edu and Gilberto) have succumbed to long term injury. The replacement, the enormously talented Cesc, lacks physical presence. His place in the team is far better appreciated at Highbury. In away matches, under greater physical pressure, he is lightweight, physically. The sublime touches are still there, but so are the flailing, last-ditch tackles on his butt.

The two Central Midfield players have been “picked off” by a numerically advantaged, less talented, but stronger opposition Midfield. Frighteningly, in the last few weeks, I would add “more committed” to this list. Three average, but focussed, midfielders have outplayed a distracted Captain, and a Boy Wonder. Patrick is still good, but he is not the awesome player of 2003-4, he is too concerned about lost opportunities at Real, and covering the callow, physical presence of his fourteen year old partner. Opposition managers have seen the success of others playing 4-5-1, and have grasped it so fervently that it has become the mantra of all Clubs from 4th to 20th in our division, within months.

Meanwhile, the initial “bravery” of Wenger to drop Lehmann, has become a stubborn refusal to admit that his experiment has failed. Lehmann is flawed, but is twice the keeper that Alumnia is. Lehmann has trained with Sol and Kolo for two years, and that understanding alone means 100% more that anything the hapless Spaniard has going for him. He is a goal-start to every opposition. A brilliant shot-stopper, but his actions facing crosses are reminiscent of the “average” George Wood (**).

The defensive indecision caused by this strategic choice has now hamstrung both Full backs from joining the attack on any regular basis, and caused the partnership of Campbell and Touré to become as laughable as anything ever seen in a Tottenham defence.

The way forward? After all I am as hopeful as any Arsenal supporter!

Reinstate Jens immediately, leak to the press that it was all about contract negotiations, or a food allergy brought on by Pizza or Soup (it would increase his popularity).

Sign a stop-gap Keeper in the next 14 days, one who is not CL cup tied (Robert Green), and sign a World class keeper in the summer.

Sign a Centre Back to fill the great void left by Pascal Cygan’s back injury (kidding)

If we cannot compete with Cesc in a 4-4-2, then let’s try 4-5-1, with Píres as the breaking midfielder to support Thierry. At least in away games (in Lancashire!). After all, I live in this Red Rose county, it is getting embarrassing.

Let’s claw back that 10 points and stick one up that bunch of history-lacking, mercenaries from West London. (And that red-nosed Knight from Salford – you know the one who stinks of Oregano, Pea and Ham Soup, and self-righteous indignation!)

Oh, and by the way, cheer up. This Arsenal Club is still a huge success story, and one we are massively fortunate to live through.

NOTES

(*) Ray Hankin and John Hawley were bought as forwards in 1982 to replace Frank Stapleton. This was the greatest misuse of company funds ever recorded and far outweighs the later Enron fiasco in financial mis-management terms. They formed the weakest forward line ever to feature in the top flight. The two guys only played together 7 times, my Arsenal History book tells me. My emotionally scarred experiences on the North Bank(1982-1984) tell me that these two gentlemen played in every match for three years and were singularly responsible for dragging my club to being a complete laughing stock. If they were around today, they would be playing for Luton or QPR.

(**) George Wood: the Keeper who came after Wilson-Rimmer-Jennings and turned Arsenal goal-keeping into a gambling event. Opposition wingers would cross the ball, and George would actually, physically throw down roots into the ground, while the 15,000 people on the North Bank would suck in their breath and wait for the lottery result. Allegedly this activity had a profound effect on Merson (aged 8) who fell in love with Gambling/Scottish goalkeepers, watching the great “Dracul” Wood.