Its been the story which has gripped the nation for weeks. Pages and pages of media coverage have been dedicated to this will he, won’t he saga but it finally seems to becoming to an end. As this week begins it is clear that he will be leaving the club and is about to embark on an exotic journey playing against some of the top sides in the world. That’s right Steve Finnan is set to sign for Liverpool!
Seriously though, the whole nation has been enthralled by the media frenzy which is engulfing David Beckham. The chances of him staying a Red Devil look fairly remote and it just waits to be seen whether it’s Barca, Real or AC he lines up for next season. The man is truly a showbiz icon and seeing the attention he gets all over the world it could be claimed he is the most recognisable man on the planet at the moment. Sure the Americans don’t seem to know who he is, but for the purposes of this column, the entire planet consists purely of people who’s opinion actually matters (I’m only playing America, I love you really! Well except Texas …)! The whole reason he is leaving seems to have been his on going conflict with Fergie, which has been brewing for years. However the final straw seems to have been the aftermath of Man U’s 2-0 loss to Arsenal in the FA Cup this year. As im sure you all know, Fergiscum lost his rag with the team and petulantly kicked a boot which ended up striking Beckham on the forehead. While the furore ultimately died down it was obvious Becks was furious and while he maintained a pubic silence, he clearly was not prepared to forgive and forget. However, would it not have been interesting had Beckham gone public with his anger? In fact not only would he have gone public but even pressed charges against Sir Alex!
Well we shall never know. Or will we? You see I have ‘borrowed’ the What If? machine from Futurama (or stolen or blatantly infringed copyright of it, if you happen to be a 20th Century Fox lawyer!). Now for the first time anywhere worldwide, you the readers of Hot Stuff can see the epoch making event that is: Sir Alex Ferguson – On Trial!
Before starting proceedings I should warn you that the trial does get quite heated and intense. Therefore if you are young or sensitive I suggest you turn away now. Otherwise get ready and prepare yourself for the trial of the century!!
Day One
Bailiff: All rise for the Crown V Alex Ferguson.
Judge: Bailiff bring in the defendant.
A bedraggled drunken man enters the court room, escorted by Police Officers.
Judge: Who is this man?! Get him out of my court!
Defence Lawyer: Um, actually M’Lud this is the defendant!
Fergie: Och aye, I dinnae doa thin! Well nuthin de wee bastard dinnae deserve! This is perssss perssur pessur (BELCH) puuuuurssssssuurrrcution!
DL: Your honour I move that my client’s ‘remarks’ and associated bodily functions be stricken from the record books!
Judge: For the sake of the sanctity of this court and all it stands for, I agree! How exactly did he get so drunk? There is no alcohol allowed in prison!
DL: I’m not sure M’Lud, but I think he cut himself shaving and drank some of his own blood. He has remarkably high blood alcohol content!
Judge: I see. Now Mr Ferguson, you are charged that on the 15th February 2003 you did willing and callously attack Mr David Beckham with a football boot, leaving him with a severe gash to the forehead. Now how do you plead?
Fergie: HICCUP.
DL: Er, he pleads “not guilty” your Honour!
In the gallery Victoria Beckham gasps in shock as she clings to her hubbie.
VB: God Daveeeeeeeid! I can’t believe he didn’t phone a friend!
DB: No Victoria, this a court room, not Celebrity Who Wants to be a Millionaire!
VB: Ohhhhhhhhhh.
The prosecution lawyer stands, ready to call his first witness.
PL: For my first witness I call to the stand … David Beckham.
Gasps ring around the gallery as Becks strides to the witness stand.
PL: Now Mr Beckham, do you pledge to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth?
DB: Woah man, I don’t do anything now a days without checking with my lawyer first!
PL: Um, David I AM your lawyer.
DB: Oh yeah right, soz I forgot! I’m always forgetting things, aren’t I snugglebum! looks at Victoria
Victoria Beckham leans towards the stand and starts to whisper.
VB: Davveeeeeeeiidddd! Take a 50-50! Or better yet ring Cantona, he has experience on this sort of thing!
Judge: Mrs Beckham if you persist from such shenanigans I will find you in contempt of court!
VB: Excuuuuuuuuse me! Do you av any idea oo I am?!
Judge: I think so. Didn’t you come last if the 2nd series of Big Brother? Anyway whoever you are, please be quiet. Now Mr Prosecutor, please proceed!
PL: Thank you M’Lud. Now David please put into your own words the events of February 15th.
DB: Yeah well, we had just played The Gooners in the FA Cup. Oh it was a great day it really was. Okay we lost the game and generally looked like complete muppets but you should have seen my hair! You couldn’t get that look if you tried!! Seriously though, after a defeat of that magnitude you have to console yourselves with the ones you love.
PL: You rang your family?
DB: No I dialled up Brylcream, my supply was running low. If you can comb your hair back as good as me then you are never a loser, no matter what the score may be! So anyway I was on the dog and bone when the guvnor interrupted me.
PL: Was Mr Ferguson angry?
DB: Wot? No, not him. He was too busy chasing Ashley Cole down the corridor with a broken bottle of Lucozade sport. No, it was Incey who called me on the private line. Something along the lines of, “Tell Fergiscum he can suck my cockney balls.” It was all very perplexating!
PL: I see. So what happened next?
DB: Well I was finalising the details of my next advert when the boss came storming back in and started screaming at us. I couldn’t really make out what he said, I don’t speak Scottish. But the next thing I knew there was a boot flying towards me! A few seconds later, bam! Next thing I know I’m gushing blood everywhere! I don’t think I can continue …
PL: Its okay David, we have no further questions.
Judge: Does the defence have any questions?
DL: No M’Lud, we are not contesting that the event took place, merely that it was not intentional.
Judge: Very well Mr Beckham, you may be seated.
Beckham walks back to seat grooming his hair as he does so.
Judge: Your next witness please, Mr Prosecutor.
PL: Very well, with my next witness I would like to ascertain that the act of kicking the boot at Mr Beckham was deliberate and so therefore present to you another Man U player that day …
A television screen is wheeled out with a blacked out silhouette on it.
Judge: Mr Prosecutor, am I to think that this witness is scared of testifying?
PL: No not at all M’Lud, its just to be honest I would rather not look at his face!
Judge: Oh its one of the Neville Brothers. I seeeeee. Which one is it then?
PL: The ugly one.
Judge: Yes, but which one?
PL: Okay its the ugly, crap one …
Judge: I know, but which one of them is it?!
Phil Neville: Um, hi its Phil here.
PL: There you go, M’Lud.
Phil swears in.
PL: Now Phil, tell us in your own words what happened that day.
PN: Um … I don’t remember.
More gasps from the audience.
PL: Erm … okay … are you sure?
PN: Yes … quite sure.
PL: Mr Neville, this is in complete contrast to your original testimony! Now I will ask you one last time. What happened after the Arsenal match. Remember you are under oath!
PN: I told you … nothing happe- … oh, I can’t take this anymore! Ever since that game Man U have been trying to silence me! They let me play in centre midfield when I’m clearly rubbish, heck they even forced the FA to make me England Captain! I have no business being in the same league as Bobby Moore! I’m sorry boss but I cannot hold it back anymore, especially with my wedding to Tracey coming up! I can’t let her down, she’s my sister!! So as I stand before you today let it be known that Sir Alex Ferguson CLEARLY aimed that boot at David Beckham and even smiled when he hit him!
The gallery gasps.
Fergie: You will rot in the reserrrrrvesss for that laddiieee!
Judge: Mr Ferguson, I must insist you stop these outbursts!
Fergie: Och away with ya! I’m sittin doon, I’m sittin doon.
PL: M’Lud, I have no further questions.
Judge: Does the defence have any questions?
DL: Yes M’Lud, I do. Mr Neville, I put it to you. I put it to you that you are a liar!
PN: No, I’m telling the truth.
DL: Oh … Bugger. No further questions your Honour.
Judge: At this point I decree that a recess shall be taken. We will reconvene tomorrow nine hundred hours sharp.
Hits gable on table.
Baliff: All rise.
So there is day one. What will happen on day two? Will Fergiscum take to the stand? Will Becks’ get his new Brylcream deal? And will Victoria finally understand what is going on? Tune in to the next edition of Hot Stuff to find out!!